"I Am Not My Diagnosis!"
by Kathi
Over the years, I have gathered various diagnoses. It's not that I'm a collector; they just seem to come to me. When I started out in AA, I learned that people said their first names and that they were alcoholic. The reason was to overcome denial and get used to the idea that you belonged. I think at some point as I received more and more diagnoses, (alcoholism, addiction, bipolar, fibromyalgia…) I just thought "Another day, another diagnosis". At that point, it becomes very easy to see yourself as your illness. I began to define myself in terms of what I couldn't do. My world became very small. Those were dark years, with little hope.
Now, when I think about identifying myself with disabilities attached, I balk. Presumably, folks who show up at our meetings aren't there for a plastic-ware party.
I think my struggles with what I call myself, have to do with not wanting to define myself by what I cannot do, or by my moods. For so many years, there was only the darkness, because I cowered in the shadow of my diagnoses.
I am Kathi, beloved aunt, good friend, teacher, healer, artist, and writer. I am Kathi of quick wit, sense of humor and kind acts. I am spiritual, a child of the forest, a person filled with wonder. And I happen to have disabilities.
When I'm doing well, no one else realizes I have bipolar or the other tags. One of my biggest challenges has been to learn how to not "be" my illnesses, but to acknowledge them, learn how to live with them and embrace my life. My life is my responsibility, along with all my illnesses, strengths and weaknesses. I own them. Only by looking at it that way can I begin to find solutions to the problems of living with the illnesses. It has to do with acceptance. I don't have to like it, but if I'm going to make anything of my life, I have to own it, accept it, and figure out what I want my life to be.
The alternative is passivity, loss of control, and permanent status as a patient. That is no longer my choice. I cannot make the illness go away, but I can find ways to work around it, and work with it.
So the question remains, how do I identify myself? In group where we want to know who's who to develop trust and sharing, I'll say I'm bipolar. In my mind, I remind myself of all the other great things I am.
And as I look around at each person, when they say their name and diagnosis, I will be wondering what great things are in that person. I will listen when they speak; to discover their courage, their skills, and their strengths.
I read hundreds of hospital charts a year. Paper with words, with diagnoses and facts. None of those charts matches up to the human being I see in front of me when we sit down to talk. In most instances, you couldn't read a chart and immediately pick that patient out of a group of people. That's because people are so much more wondrously complex than facts and figures, or labels.